2024 was a year of loss for me. I lost friends, some to death and some to life. I lost family members. I lost relationships as I previously knew them to be. I said goodbye to many illusions that I built my life on--the baseless "I love you's" without the action to back it up. I said, "No." to so many things for the first time in my life. I set boundaries in ways I never thought I could, and I grieved the loss of the joy I once had from the fantasy of support in my life. Support I convinced myself was real & genuine--equally reciprocated.
I became aware of my own needs... not desires but needs. I realized that I had been focusing on manifesting desires while continuing to ignore my own basic human needs that I was trained to ignore from a very young age. As difficult as it's been I have learned to stop centering other people in my life that have never shown me that same kind of love or loyalty. It's been painful, I'll admit. Painful to face the music. Painful to put myself first for once when my trauma has made me believe it's dangerous to do so.
I've felt the complete and utter gutting of finding that I cannot save the people that I love no matter how skilled and experienced I am at helping and healing people. I cannot chase away someone's demons for them. Becoming more and more psychically aware has only forced me to have to make peace with the fact that the world may very well burn itself to the ground and my power is not in trying to save it but in saving myself and maybe inspiring a few others to do the same. That's been a mindfuck for sure but a rite of passage that comes with the territory.
I guess you could say 2024 has been a year of cleansing for me. Of finally protecting that little girl that was never protected from all the harm around her. After nearly 40 years, I guess it's never too late. This has been a year of realizing how valuable my light has been to so many but also how undervalued it's been by so many at the same time. As I move into 2025, amidst my Pluto square Pluto transit affecting my 2nd house of value and self-worth, I will definitely be exploring this more over the coming year.
I have become much more of a recluse in my Spirit this year, frankly over the last few years, but only more as a hibernation. Keeping low while I figure things out. I always shared my Spirit freely with everyone around me, but I never realized that a big part of me did it to survive. I was raised in environments and around people that made me feel incredibly unsafe and so I developed a pattern of pouring extra love into those who showed me a lack of it (or straight up abuse) to over-compensated for the fear I felt. I used my skills of entertaining, uplifting and bringing joy like a court jester who'd lose his head if unsuccessful. And as a result, I pushed the less savory or "burdensome" parts of me into the shadows bc they would've gotten me rejected by the village I needed to survive.
I don't know what 2025 will bring. I still have yet to do my New Year's Ritual where I'm sure I'll get a clearer picture. But I hope it's filled with love for self; with grace for where I've been; with appreciation for all I've become thus far. I hope this time around when my light is ready to shine bright again, that I do it for myself and no one else. And that as I move into my next desired phase in life, I bring my whole self with me this time to experience the full circle moments she has deserved all along.
I want the young, depressed, suicidal & hopeless girl I once was to finally know she's worthy in her pain and not just in her joy. I want her to know she's always been loved & that her feelings are valid. She's not the crazy one, her environment has always been. And that I'm going to do everything in my power to be there for her, to hear & witness every one of her grievances until she feels she has been seen and heard fully and can then be healed and integrate with the whole of me.
Choosing self for the sake of choosing self has never been encouraged. Not in this world, certainly not in this female body. But I've realized more and more in my experience here that this entire life is all just about the relationship between you and You. How much do you love you? How much do you explore you? How much do you appreciate & enjoy you? How much of you can you express? How much of you can you set free? How much of you can you forgive? And what can you and You create when you meet yourself where you are? Everything else is merely a mirror of you, showing you how far you've come or what parts of you you've left behind and how to retrieve them again.
So maybe this year I'll come closer to me. And you to you.
Your 2024 reflections: What has this past year taught you?
And what do you hope to find in 2025?
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