For as long as I can remember, I've been afraid to shine. I know, 'shine' is a word tossed around a lot by people like me in this era where consciousness is now cool, but what does that really mean for me? It's kind of hard to explain, only because I never quite knew how to articulate it myself even. But I suppose it meant being the fullest expression of myself.Expression being the key word here. There has always been this fear of fully expressing myself. Exposing my truth to the world. Where has it come from? I have no clue.
But for all my life I've always had this slight level of putting on a front, no matter how real I was being. I was always scared that, "Oh no! If I talk about God in a weird way this person might think I'm weird or judge me." and "If I show all the love in me then people will think I'm corny." I was afraid of getting made fun of like the glee club gets made fun of, or something. I mean, it has gotten to the point where my own daughter doesn't even see all the truest sides of me. She knows that I'm in my room reading, meditating & crying but she doesn't really know what I'm doing in there. This fear of being judged, or whatever it is, has literally taken over my entire life. What I mean by that is that my whole life I've put a cap on myself. I've acted cool in front of my own family because I didn't feel accepted by them. I was the curly haired little girl prancing about the house in poofy dresses singing my little heart out joyfully in love with life but the environment I was raised in didn't give a little girl like that permission to be that. I'm sure many of you can relate. So many of us have been told to "get in line" our wholes lives, and I was certainly one of them. (It's a wonder I've always been such a rebel... especially when it comes to authority.) I was an artist forced to color boring squares inside the lines and because of it, at some point very early on, I decided not to show my true colors to anyone. NO ONE.
Yes I still danced. I competed in fact and won lots of awards for it, but I didn't take it all the way and most people now don't even know I can dance until those few moments where a really good DJ is in a club and I'm in a "Fuck it. Imma be me!" kind of mood. I acted in the school plays, I started writing poems, did lots of crafts and still sang alone in my room just to satisfy my burning need to create and express those creation.
But, I always played it small.
I never took it to where I knew it could go. I never allowed myself to show it all. I kept a very tight leash on myself when all this time I've had wings, flying only as far as my restraints would allow. It's been much like being a caged animal except instead of fearing the world outside of my cage I became afraid to fly. The one ability that was innate. From birth I had wings but I allowed the opinion of others to make me put an illusion of chains around my own neck just so I'd never fly too far away. I handed over my power to a select few in the world. Probably the few that had their wings clipped too and weren't too happy about me still having mine.
I had this small revelation while reading some old journal entries about a toxic relationship. I kept seeing myself say things like: "He won't let me express my feelings" "I feel completely powerless..." "I feel stuck..." "He makes me so crazy."
"Wow." I thought. How could I let one person have so much control over the world I feel inside? I mean they're my feeling. And then I remembered all the other times I felt that same way. The first memories were in my home growing up. And then I just continued to manifest people into my life that were going to reiterate that issue to me again and again until I saw the pattern and could change it. And I finally see it!
So I started to do some EFT Tapping. Once I become that aware of an issue within me, I break into my toolbox and grab the tools I know will help me heal it. And what I discovered in tapping was very interesting. I realized, from the very little amount of my own work that I have publish to the world, that I have been waiting for someone to tell me what I am worth. I have waited for another human being, outside of myself (one that actually mattered) to look at the art I've decided wasn't too scary to share and tell me from seeing it that I was a shining star.
Why? So that I could say, "Finally! Someone sees me! Someone whose opinion matters thinks I'm worthy of shining and so now I can shine in the world"...???? I needed permission. Better yet, I needed validation. OUTSIDE validation at that! Whoa. That's not right. You know what is right though? Showing the world what I'm worth. As soon as I realized that this has been my hidden deep seated belief lurking in me for as long as I can remember, I quickly debunked it!
I am the only one that truly knows all of the art within me and my own capabilities. Me and God that is. I can't sit around and wait for someone that hasn't even seen my light to tell me how bright I can shine. I determine my own worth. In fact, God determines my worth and it's my job to be the one to tell the world what that is not wait for it to tell me. That's been the ultimate form of giving away my power. I've gotten it wrong all along! I have so many incredible gifts to give and I know what they're worth but I was too afraid to show them to the world because I thought that people wouldn't see them for what I knew they were. And the truth is, not everyone will, but it's up to me to be the one to stand on that stage of life with the utt most conviction knowing how beautiful my own colors can be.
And now...
I give myself permission to SHINE.
Phew.
Love,
